Letting Go of Criticism
April 12, 2019
This past weekend my husbandwife and I attended an Imago couples workshop for same sex couples. It was an intense weekend. Imago therapy focuses on using one’s committed relationship to heal childhood wounds. I told my husbandwife that it’s like doing trauma work with your partner, but in my opinion, it’s so much more challenging than therapy. (Remember I am a trained therapist!)
Imago theory proposes that “our unconscious drives…to seek healing and to resolve unresolved childhood wounds, in order to grow. In this way, wounds received by a person, from their parents, tend to be re-stimulated by new adult partners and potential partners.” This is why we may unconsciously pick a partner that helps us re-visit unresolved issues from our childhood or past.
During the weekend, the first thing the trainer had us do was agree to “no negativity” in our communication, and I immediately pushed back, because I can’t imagine a world or relationship where one is dealing with issues and some sort of negativity isn’t involved. They said, “no shame, no blame, no criticism.” I said, “WHAT!?” I mean, I can get down with no shaming and blaming — (although my husbandwife would rightly argue I am a blamer — that shit runs deep with me and I am working on it), I can’t imagine letting go of criticism or negativity.
I am not even going to try to rationalize this idea right now, but it just makes sense to me. All my life I have been surrounded by criticism and negativity. That’s how my family communicates and expresses their love and concern and everything else. I didn’t find a problem with it until, well until I read this yesterday:
“Critical people were often criticized in early childhood by caretakers, siblings, or peers, at an age when criticism can be especially painful. They cannot distinguish criticism of their behavior from outright rejection, no matter how much we try to make the distinction for them, as in the well-intentioned, “You’re a good boy, but this behavior is bad.” Such a distinction requires a higher prefrontal cortex operation, which is beyond most young children. For a child under seven, anything more than occasional criticism, even if soft-pedaled, means they’re bad and unworthy.”
See, my five-year-old kid tells me he is a “bad boy” when I criticize him. He tells me he is going to die (which is normal for a kid his age to feel when they think they are losing their emotional connection to their parents). I don’t even know or think I am acting critical. I think I am just parenting or showing him how to behave “correctly.” I can’t even come up with an example to share, that’s how unaware I am of my behavior. However, this doesn’t mean I stop teaching or disciplining him, but it does mean I need to take a look (or observe) how I communicate, not only to him, but to my wife, my friends, my family, well to everyone.
My husbandwife lovingly talks about how critical I am like it’s an endearing quality about me, and I have worn this characteristic proudly, like it means that I am smart and deep.
I can analyze shit to pieces and tell you what’s wrong or bad or needs to change. I know how to focus on what’s wrong but when I am asked to name positive things about myself, my spouse, my kid, I stumble and struggle. That isn’t the case with the “negative” stuff because I have a mental running list of what’s wrong. I’ve shelved it under the “self-improvement/help others improve” corner of my mind and haven’t realized how damaging it can be, both how I see things and how I communicate to others about it.
I’ve known a long time ago that criticism doesn’t nurture relationships or work, but it hasn’t stopped me from entertaining my little critical voice inside that has become louder in the last couple of years of my unconscious parenting. Acting critical is an easy form of ego defense. “We don’t criticize because we disagree with a behavior or an attitude. We criticize because we somehow feel devalued by the behavior or attitude. Critical people tend to be easily insulted and especially in need of ego defense.”
Ouch. That’s me and I want to sit with that. Because I am that person, but I don’t want to be. I have been acting as though I can’t handle other people’s negative attitudes about me and behaviors towards me, and that’s definitely not true. I am stronger than other people’s negative opinions of me, and I am capable of giving feedback without being critical, both verbally or mentally.
What’s most important to me is how my criticism is damaging my connection with the people I love. My criticism is subtle, so subtle that I don’t catch myself doing it or even thinking it until I pay attention to how my loved ones are responding/reacting to me. I want to be a conscious partner, parent, sister and friend. I want my child to not feel like I did when I was little, unworthy of attachment and alone. And one way for me to not repeat familial patterns is to let go of criticism and negativity.
